Scootering at Night

I got a little sad tonight as I worked on the scooters in the garage. I was remembering the last time Cindy and I rode together. It was only a couple of days before her seizure.

We had always talked about having 2 scooters. For a long time, we only had the Vespa ET4. And I did have Cindy ride behind me on the ET4 a few times. But, we always felt that riding our own scooter would be more fun because we could go faster. We constantly talked about riding into D.C. together. That was kind of our big goal.

In early September, I bought a second scooter: a Vespa GT200. Since Cindy was always busy with work and school, we did not actually do our celebratory joint ride to the monuments until the last week in September.

I remember that night that her scooter did not start at first. Cindy had to connect it to the battery tender for about a half hour. I almost called it a night before Cindy said, "Wait, it's ready! Let's do this!" Even though it was past 11pm and I had to get up early the next morning, for some reason I knew we had to do this then.

At first, we drove into Shirlington together. She always talked about riding our scooters there on a Saturday night and dining outside so that we could "monitor" our parked scooters. Cindy always imagined that our scooters would get stolen (even though they were chained with Kryptonite locks).

From Shirlington, we scooted onto Clarendon. I remember it was real cold that night and windy too, but I didn't care. I was so happy to be finally riding scoots with Cindy and I remember smiling a lot because I felt that funny feeling when you are "in love" and are actually conscious of it (which, after 7+ years, is pretty cool and something you don't often experience during normal, everyday tasks).

Finally, we scooted over to the Iwo Jima Memorial. I remember that we parked our scoots and walked around the memorial. While on the walk, I joked how we were living out our dream scooting together. I remember telling Cindy that I loved her and that I loved our life together because we were so lucky to share these interests. I said that next year we would go to Spain and rent Vespas over there and have a scootering vacation.

Eventually, it must have gotten much colder because I told Cindy that we should head home and go to bed. Cindy actually wanted to continue on Route 50 into D.C. But I said, "No, we have plenty of time for more scooter rides. We don't have to squeeze it all into one night." So, we went home.

I would give anything to scooter with Cindy again.

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No On Proposition 8 (California)

Thanks to Jill R. for donating to the "No on Proposition 8" campaign in Cindy's memory.

For more information: www.eqca.org



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Widow Tidbit #2

This next tidbit might just be me, but I sure hope not. If you are easily scandalized, do not read further.

I've lost some weight, so I desperately needed to get a new bra or else risk not only my spirits sagging. So, I went to the premier store for ladies undergarments: Target. It was 10 o'clock at night and I was not in the best mental state. I grabbed a bunch of bras and tried them all on. There was one black lace number that fit perfectly and lifted me up in ways that made me feel like a teenager again. I thought to myself that I had finally found the perfect bra and it was only $12.99.

I wore the bra the next day and loved it. This meant I had to go back and get a second one. I returned to Target and found the same bra, but then I noticed the tag on it said "maternity." This confused me, so I looked again. In larger letters on the tag, it read "for nursing mothers." I tried to make sense of this and then remembered the extra snaps on the strap. I had thought this was for reinforcement and added to it's secure fitting.

In a panic, I texted my friend Katie who is nursing twins. I wrote "Katie, is it ok if I wear a nursing bra if it fits perfectly?" She responded: "Please send photo asap." I took a self-portrait this morning and sent it over to Katie this morning for analysis. I am still waiting for the final verdict.

The tidbit here? Don't let widows dress themselves. And when we do screw up, guide us to make better choices.

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Widow Tidbit #1

Here's a little something you may not know about widows. I don't normally generalize about entire groups of people, but so far my experience has been entirely textbook, so I feel I may not be alone in this. Since this entire traumatic experience started, I take EVERYTHING that people say literally. You could tell me that you saw Princess Diana sitting in a greasy spoon eating waffles with James Dean and I WILL believe you. I am not certain why this is. It may be because when you lose someone so important to you, you want to believe that the unexpected can happen, that miracles are possible. I know when I was at Cindy's burial, I kept looking all around the perimeter expecting to see her. I blame it on movies like "Ghost" or "The Sixth Sense" where you are fed the idea that dead people haunt the living. And, in a way, I want to be haunted.

So, I would be careful what you tell me because my joke/truth filter is completely broken. And I am taking as gospel whatever nonsense is said to me. I know I am not thinking straight and I just keep looking to other people for guidance on how to survive this. When people talk to me, I am sitting at the edge of my seat hoping for some magic words that will explain why I am going through this or how I can get through this. I know I probably shouldn't put those expectations on people, but trust me, if you were in my shoes, you'd be doing the same. You just get desparate.

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A Gay Ol' Time

My big mission for this week is to find a support group for widows. But, in particular, I am looking for a group comprised of gays and lesbians. There are, after all, thousands of gay-focused AA groups, bowling leagues, rodeo gangs, and knitting circles. So, why shouldn't there be one for widows? And I know pain is a common feeling amongst any group, but there is something else you go through when you are gay. I can't really explain it now. I also think I will be much more entertained by the manner in which the stories are shared. I mean, there is a reason you find so many of us on your theatrical stages and in your dance clubs. So, that is my next mission.

Oh, and I finally slept last night. I only remember one dream and it involved Sarah Palin. She came over to give me help on my personal statement.

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Some Simple Mailing

I had to do another FedEx run this week. The customer ahead of me was particularly chatty and was surprisingly swayed into paying more for the signature confirmation option. I, at least, found this odd since all she was sending was a box of Halloween cookies to her son at college.

When it was my turn, the representative lifted up my plain envelope and asked, "Is this all that you are mailing? I stared at my small FedEx package and muffled an affirmative response. The FedEx rep then asked, "Is there any value to the item you are sending?" I took a few moments to stare at the envelope. Would I consider any value in this? Inside the envelope was the deed to our house. This unmarked envelope contained the piece of paper that identifed who technically owned the home. And it is truly a simple piece of paper, no embossing, no border and definitely no special sections on who decorated the home, who cleaned the home, who purchased all the items in the home, who looked forward to coming home everyday and sitting on the sofa with the woman she loved in that home, and definitely no mention of the many conversations that were had about adding my name to the deed. Nope, no mention of how the 2 people that lived there had made that place a true HOME. So, now the deed is off to the next of kin (the mother) and I am back to being a basic renter. Not only did I lose the love of my life, but I've lost my home too.

I was so happy when the FedEx rep ended our transaction by stating: "Well, that was easy enough. You have a great day!" and then smiled.

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Cleaning out the Closets

Since I can't bear to handle anything personal (like clothes and knick knacks), I decided to tackle the easy, non-personal tasks like cleaning the laundry room and the linen closet. There was laundry that had been sitting in the hamper in the laundry room for at least 4 years I am sure. I think, as a rule, anything that sits in your hamper for more than a year is meant for permanent disposal.

The linen closet is a much more fun task than the laundry because I can finally throw away expired medications, foul lotions, and crazy-looking bedsheets from the 90s.

The TV repairman is on his way. I will soon have TV/DVR again and I think it is going to help me a lot. Although, I've listened to a lot more music since the TV has been broken. Right now, I am listening to "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" soundtrack.

Ambien Sucks

I did not get a restful sleep. I took the Ambien a little bit before 11pm and I was still up around 12:30am. I might have got some sleep in the middle of the night, but it felt like I had one eye open the entire time. I think the problem is that I don't want to dream and I can tell that makes me tense when I try to sleep. Maybe I should a CD of relaxing sounds or maybe hypnosis?

Today, I will be receiving my replacement phone (the other one got drowned during my hike) and the Samsung repairman is coming to fix the TV. Those are things to look forward to, right? I only have 2 movies on my iTouch and I've been watching them on and off for a month: "Into the Wild" and "Tootsie." I actually think that's all one needs.

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Ambien and the Mall

I just took an Ambien, so hopefully I will sleep tonight. It was a really tough day and I just want a nice sleep. I have never taken one of these before, but I hear they are pretty good.

I went to the mall tonight to buy a pair of jeans that fit and that aren't falling down. It felt odd to be amongst everyday people doing normal things as if nothing has happened. I don't know how to explain it, but it makes me a little angry to see people living their normal lives. Or, maybe it makes me a little envious.

I do notice that I can get annoying salespeople to NOT talk to me by just looking at them in the eyes. I imagine they can see the dark circles under my eyes and know not to mess with me. It's actually quite powerful.

Oh, and if I had to guess what stage I am in, it's definitely the anger stage.


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Change of Plans

I didn't get very far in my cleaning of the basement. I got sidetracked trying to look for the deed to the house (her mom needed this now, less the house go into probate). And this required me to put myself in the mind of Cindy to determine where this might be. Knowing Cindy, this could have been anywhere--she never filed anything, yet she saved every piece of paper in random places from 1985 and on. I didn't even know what I was looking for. I had no idea if a deed was something you frame, something printed on old tyme yellow parchment, something one would put in a safety deposit box. I'd never actually seen one before. I thought for a second about calling friends to ask them where they store their deeds, but I figured I would get very common sense answers, so I decided to instead search random places.

I started my search in the kitchen since that is where the blueprints to the house were (don't ask). No luck. I did however find a love note I had written her in the first month of our courtship that she had annotated with her own thoughts. I'd never known anyone to hand write their own comments on a love note addressed to them. But, Cindy was a unique person. I remained on the floor of the kitchen for a while until the cat came by and I realized I needed to feed him. I then checked a few other places before pulling down this random unmarked box in a closet in one of the guest bedrooms. Inside the box were old papers from the year 2000, a few books (She's Come Undone, Self-Guided European Cities, Snow Falling on Cedars), one sock, a bunch of old receipts, an instruction manual for a slow cooker, and oh yes, the deed to the house. The deed itself was in a fairly plain, unmarked envelope. It would have taken anyone else months to unearth this very important piece of paper.

So, is today a good day? Well, it's good that I found the deed. But, as for me, it's a really tough day. And one in which I continue to move in slow motion. I promised Tanya that I wouldn't stay on the floor. And I didn't (for her).

Another Monday

It's Monday morning and my intention is to clean the basement. I just need to organize it so that I can move things around upstairs. It's hard to explain, but when you suffer a loss like this your house no longer feels the same. You feel displaced and disoriented. You look at the stuff on your tables, in your cabinets, and on your bookshelves and it all looks completely foreign, as if you bought those things in a different lifetime. Or worse, you look at it and you get pissed off that only this crap remains from that distant life.

Grief is the slowest process in the universe. Once all the business of someone passing ends, you're left with only your thoughts and the sounds around you. And I wouldn't say that the speed of sound necessarily makes the day go faster. In fact, every sound I hear is drawn out, monotonous, and tedious. If I had to pick the one sense that is an actual comfort, that would be smell. For the next few months, I'd be happy to do away with hearing, sight, and touch, as long as I could still have smell. The other day, when I was hiking in the rain, I smelled the most amazing things outside: the trees, the plants, the air. And now that it's gotten colder, I smell more fireplaces going. That smell will always be a comfort to me in any lifetime.

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Oceans 12

Tanya made me watch "Oceans 12" on the laptop right before bed in attempt to get me to fall asleep. I have to admit it was nice to see moving pictures again. She started the movie at midnight, so by the time the movie was over, I was genuinely tired. I only had 2 nightmares last night. I don't remember them very well, or maybe I don't choose to remember them. I just know that they were the kind that make you jump in bed while you sleep. I also had one pleasant dream--the kind where you fight with your mind to "not" wake up. I wish I could take a pill that would make me not dream at all.

I've seen "Oceans 12" bunches of times before. I love the Matt Damon character, especially in this sequel. He's the one I identify most with. I can't stand Julia Roberts, so I was happy that they added the Catherine Zeta-Jones character. I could probably watch those "Ocean" movies any time of day. They are such eye-candy (except for Julia Roberts).

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Tanya, Freddies Saturday Night, and My TV

Went to Freddies Bar with Tanya on her last night here before she returns to Seattle. I am so grateful for her friendship. She flew here the moment Cindy went into the hospital and she stayed with me in the house this entire week after the funeral. I am so lucky to have her as a friend. Freddies was somewhat depressing tonight with no karaoke show. I do think the bartender took sympathy on me because I got the hugest Shirley Temple ever with like 5 cherries in it.

My TV is STILL broken. It's too quiet here without the TV sound. I hope the Samsung repairman comes soon. What did people do when they were grieving during old tyme times?

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It's Tough

Trying to take a nap, but can't seem to fall asleep even though I know my body is very tired. I just feel really lonely and it makes me tense. Even though I am not technically alone, I can't seem to shake this feeling of inconsolable loneliness. Trying to think of something to look forward to, but can't. I used to sleep so soundly and so heavy before with Cindy. I maybe had 2 sleepless nights total during my time with her. And now I am attuned to every sound and am mostly tense. And time passes by so slowly.

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Shenandoah, VA

Today, I did an 8-mile hike in the pouring rain. It actually wasn't too bad and the scenery was just breathtaking. The fall foliage was in full bloom and there were shades of purple, red, orange, yellow, and green all around me. At one point, it looked like there was multi-colored confetti on the ground, but it was just lots of different colored leaves. When I started the hike, crossing over the little streams wasn't so bad and I was able to navigate the rocks. But coming back, it was just like "Into the Wild" and the streams became more raging and the rocks I had once successfully navigated were covered with water. But, I made it back safe and sound. Although, my brand new phone got hosed by the pouring rain.

The trail I took was the Corbin Cabin Trail.

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Can't Sleep

It's after midnight and I can't sleep. Something about the night makes me tense. I hope I get over this one day.

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Another Day

Made it through another day. Tanya broke my car this morning so I had to spend 3 hours at the dealership. I didn't mind though. The Acura dealership has free hot chocolate and wi-fi and it took my mind off of things.

I did get sad for Cindy today because I had to get to a Fed Ex to send a package overnight and only she had memorized the specific locations that have late drop-off.

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