It's Monday morning and my intention is to clean the basement. I just need to organize it so that I can move things around upstairs. It's hard to explain, but when you suffer a loss like this your house no longer feels the same. You feel displaced and disoriented. You look at the stuff on your tables, in your cabinets, and on your bookshelves and it all looks completely foreign, as if you bought those things in a different lifetime. Or worse, you look at it and you get pissed off that only this crap remains from that distant life.
Grief is the slowest process in the universe. Once all the business of someone passing ends, you're left with only your thoughts and the sounds around you. And I wouldn't say that the speed of sound necessarily makes the day go faster. In fact, every sound I hear is drawn out, monotonous, and tedious. If I had to pick the one sense that is an actual comfort, that would be smell. For the next few months, I'd be happy to do away with hearing, sight, and touch, as long as I could still have smell. The other day, when I was hiking in the rain, I smelled the most amazing things outside: the trees, the plants, the air. And now that it's gotten colder, I smell more fireplaces going. That smell will always be a comfort to me in any lifetime.
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2 comments:
grief is a sloooow process, but ya know what they say, you are better off if you move through it as opposed to around it. but its only been a couple weeks for you, you need to go easy on yourself, thats hardly any time at all. not comparable, but when i had a pregnancy loss it took me years to feel normal again, not to depress you more but just to put it in perspective that what you are feeling is completely normal.
While I was home at Mom's, I took comfort in some things around the house, but other things just made me more sad. Sometimes the same objects from day to day. Now that I'm home at my house, it's even weirder. I find I'm putting up more nad more pictures of Dad. I feel like I'm trying to make them fill up empty space because I know I won't get any more pictures of him now.
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